Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
