what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
