dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
