somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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