Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
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