My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
