I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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