Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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