i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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