I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
