Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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