Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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