that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
