someone owes me an orgasm
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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