Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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