If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
