He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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