If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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