i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
