Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
