I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Apparently you make a good broom.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I have already put on my inside pants.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
