I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
