Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
