stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
