my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
