he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
