i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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