He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
