I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
soo... how was my night?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
