i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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