it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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