i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
