Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize