never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
