Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
