Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
