Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize