i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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