my phone needs a breathalizer
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I want you more than these girls want KFC
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
