God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
