So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize