you have to choose: penises or morals?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
