I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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