I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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