i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I could make wine with my vomit
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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