Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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