I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
