I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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