I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
