rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
