Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
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Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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