We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It's blow job season.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
