How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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