oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
