gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
