She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
