She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I want to fling myself into the sun
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
