i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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