I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
