her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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