I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
