I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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