Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
