He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize